Thursday, August 23, 2012

I can see your dirty pillows, Hollywood

"Movies, Angelica. They're called movies..."



It's ANGELINA! And Yeah. Uh, huh. Tell me another, Hollywood. I know all about what your definition of a "movie" is these days... You may have the tweens, teens and all the clueless consumer sad sacks in between fooled and frothing to shell out the money on a Friday night for an overpriced celluloidal orgy of everything with extra butter, but not me. I see right through you!

Say it ain't so!

I guess it was inevitable. The remake of Carrie. I was blissfully ignorant of the fact such a travesty was wrapping up production until about an hour ago, when the incomparably fabulous Venus broke out in a rant over on her blog about it.

Okay, maybe longer-- I must've blacked out from the shock and anger of the news.

Now, I've put up with a lot of Hollywood's sh*t, and like Venus, I am not all together innocent of partaking in and even enjoying a remake now and again, so I try to stay open minded. We've all probably wished bits of a movie were different or yes, even flat out redone. Directors cop to it all the time and issue their own preferred cuts, but this? This is a little too much. Carrie is sacred space for me. One of the very few movies of a long list of loves, I can be zealously Margaret White about. Fright Night, Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween... fine. Take them if you must (especially if you want Rob Zombie to direct, that I can understand. at least he's a fan of the genre and can show the original material some respect), but leave me my Carrie!

It's a joke, right?
 It HAS to be a joke. The pictures Venus posted looked like a hair-commercialed frame-by-frame of the original, like a twisted little 1998 Psycho-sized prank. Which I guess could explain why Julianne Moore would even dare pick up a knife, playing make-believe she can improve on one of the greatest, craziest Christ-on-a-Cross lovin' uber-mom's of all time! Chloe Moretz at least has the excuse of being young and stupid and hungry to keep herself in her post-pubescent sized Jimmy Choo's, but Julianne?
Fer serious?! For shame.


I can't take it anymore!
 I don't rant movie-wise very often, but everyone has their breaking point and this is mine. Enough is enough! What ever happened with making pacts with the Devil for a little creative genius in exchange for your soul in the monster machine that's un-Holywood? Hell, if you're too lazy to do that, what are you even doing out there? Are you even trying to write? Do you need a pen? Some paper? You're in Hollywood, surely some intern in the prop department can messenger something over to you. Do you even remember how to use them or are you really having that much fun, stuck on cut and paste in cyberspace hacking up and recycling actual movies someone out there actually put some thought into once upon a time?

I mean, yeah. I'll probably watch it, but WAY after the release date and most likely rented from netflix so I don't feel so guilty about it. Got know what I'm loathing and why... right? ;)

Better watch out, Hollywood. Careful where you're peddling your remake wares...


You know they ALWAYS come back for you in the end... and you best believe we're all going to laugh at you!

Go read Venus' original post. She's got the details a little better covered than me. I'm still too invested in the denial stage.

2 comments:

venus. said...

HAHAHAH!!!!! this made me smile from ear to freaking ear. you nailed every nail on the (pin)head! thanks for the mention and PHEW, thank goodness there is someone on these here internets that have some sense. :)

venus. said...

PS - i love love loooove how you dont let julianne moore get away with this shit. no excuse. no greater truth was ever spoken!